Methods of Intimidation
by Thess
Summary: After a long, boring flight from Brazil, Pip Bernadotte decides to check on Alucard and Seras in the most inopportune moment. Pip x Alucard UST.


Disclaimer: _Hellsing_ belongs to Kouta Hirano.

Author's Notes: Set during volume 4, edited by Madame Manga.

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**Methods of Intimidation**

Such a boring flight seemed incredibly long, especially when the Vatican pilot would barely exchange a word with him. Apparently he was afraid of heretic cooties. Pip settled for crooning obscene songs to make the pilot as uncomfortable as possible. As long as he didn't have a bayonet fetish like the freaky priest who had broken into their hideout in Santa Rosa, that was a harmless bit of needling.

"England," said the pilot with obvious relief. He nodded at the silhouetted coastline emerging from the ocean. Pip raised an eyebrow and nodded. The pleasure of their imminent separation was mutual.

"I'll go tell the cargo to get ready." Pip rose from the co-pilot's chair and left the cockpit for the passenger area. Before the landing he had better secure Seras's coffin. If her casket crashed against the wall during touchdown, one of her punches could lose him his good eye. "Mr. Alucard, we're in sight of—"

The mercenary's words cut out abruptly when he looked at Alucard. Blood: blood on his face, his hands, seeping in streams from his eyes. _Shit, I have to choose the worst moments to play stewardess._

The vampire's look paralyzed him. "Is there a problem, Captain?" The words penetrated Pip's skull and wound around his perceptions like a silken strand. _There's no problem..._ tugged and tickled in every corner of his mind, urging obedience. The mercenary swallowed hard, his legs trembling.

"No-none at all…" Pip's tongue knotted. He tore his gaze from the vampire to glance aft at Seras's coffin. "We're almost over land."

Taking his eyes off Alucard had been a mistake; as soon as the words were out of his mouth the cockpit door shut and the vampire loomed over him.

"Are you sure…there is no problem?" Red eyes swirling, capturing every particle of his attention. Pip's mouth sagged open; his mind responded in silent obedience. No problem…no problem. The memory of blood tears streaking Alucard's face began to fade and slip away.

Pip shook his head, enraged by the invasion. Who the fuck was he to do that? "The only problem is you screwing with my head, Mr. Alucard!"

Alucard gave a wide smirk. "Your head is a simple plaything, mercenary."

"Your sex beam loses its effect when you're crying like a big baby. You'll have to try another method of intimidation on me." Pip had a sense that this answer was unwise; when a loathsome expression twisted Alucard's features he wanted to kick himself. "Look, mate, I have no idea why you were crying. Maybe eating so many people before a long flight upsets your stomach, or you lost your eyeball tie in the hotel, but—"

_Shit fuck! _Alucard's lips enveloped his in a breathsucking kiss and Pip was cut off in midsentence. Eye wide open, he gawked at the vampire in disgust.

_My 'sex beam' has lost its charm? What a pity; I will need to take a more personal approach_. Alucard's mocking voice entered his mind. Hands pressed against his chest, expertly seeking out the sensitive points. Pip shuddered; whether in pleasure or repulsion he did not know. As if he were high on crack, his body felt indescribable sensations of both pleasure and imminent danger.

_I can't like this—he's a man!_ Pip snarled to himself but could not restrain his own lips as they responded with passion. He was not gay! He liked women! Big-breasted ladies with fine thighs and lush curves.

_A man? Am I?_ The tone seemed lighter, sultry…feminine. Breasts pushed against his chest; the lips against his shifted to small, soft and generous. Alucard took Pip's hand and rubbed it between his thighs. Through the material of the trousers, Pip soon realized that _something_ was missing.

_Where is your—?_ Pip pulled back to take a look at this freak. Alucard was a gorgeous black-haired woman…badly in need of a dentist. Unwillingly he was pulled back into the kiss and his tongue came dangerously close to being cut by the sharp teeth.

His—_her_—tongue tickled the cavity of his mouth and her knee ground a rhythm against his groin. Pip groaned against her welcoming lips, arching when Alucard tweaked a nipple and cupping his fingers between her thighs. _Is there a problem?_ He—_she—_insistently asked in lustful tones. Mesmerized by her long lashes and captured in her gaze, Pip was no longer aware of the time and place or the identity of the person he kissed.

"Is there a problem?" Alucard broke the kiss, leaving Pip breathless. He—she—kissed his jaw without releasing his gaze from hers.

"I…I…" Pip's throat contracted when he felt sharp teeth nip at his neck. All vestiges of the freakish vision were gone. "There…is…no problem." His mind drifting, he replied in a monotone.

"Captain Bernadotte?"

Pip shook his head and glanced at Alucard, lounging in his seat. The vampire looked back with an expression of mild amusement. He had come into the passenger compartment to announce they were approaching London, hadn't he? He furrowed his brow, unable to remember how or why his mind had gone woolgathering.

_Ah, it's just the boredom of the flight getting to me._ He dismissed the thought.

"Is there a problem?" Alucard asked petulantly.

"No problem, Mr. Alucard." Pip went aft to Seras's coffin and knelt down to buckle extra belts to secure it. He paused and leaned close to the wooden lid to listen; she was sound asleep. "We will be over London in a few minutes." He rose and walked back up the aisle. Alucard observed him the entire way to the cockpit door with an unnerving stare.

"Good to see there are no problems." Alucard smiled with a mouthful of sharklike teeth. Pip rolled his eye. He couldn't wait for the landing; after that childish attempt at intimidation, he needed a cigarette.


End file.
